Barnacles & Bandages

by Jeff Badger




Original tracks recorded on four-track cassette 2007-2008. Additional tracks recorded by Marcus Van Oosterum. Mixing and mastering by Marcus van Oosterum and Jeff Badger. Released 2008.


released November 20, 2008

Written and performed by Jeff Badger.
"The Man Who Laughed Out Loud" contains additional guitars by Adam Bean and backing vocals by Lydia Badger.



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Jeff Badger Portland, Maine

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Track Name: Meth Mouth Baby
METH MOUTH BABY been a week since you’ve been to bed melting down the Sudafed, keep those motel shades drawn tight, this batch will be done tonight. Meth Mouth Baby, gonna drive me crazy with the holes in your face, but I hope you’ve got another place to stay tonight. Thumbing the holes in your polyester quilt, wondering why you’re so unfullfilled, the future of this relationship looks bleak, I need a girl who sleeps more than once in a week. Meth Mouth Baby, you were only trying to stay thin but now you’re living in a motor inn with bugs crawling under your skin. Now she’s creeping up to my back door that’s right she needs a little bit more so I let her in let down my guard she steals my keys and my debit card going 102 in my subaru hopped up on skittles and moutain dew banging her head in a screaming fit spitting out teeth like olive pits. Meth Mouth Baby, girl your such a scream but you got wrapped up in the scene Now you’re a dentist’s dream.
Track Name: My Blue Canary
MY BLUE CANARY Baby, I don’t want to go dancing, I don’t want to meet Michelle so close your eyes and pull on your jacket ‘cause you’re going out by yourself. You’re my blue canary, so unneccesary, baby won’t you marry me? I don’t mind, I very much think you’re right, my blue canary. Dance with the dentist buy drinks for the robot and charm the forensic psychologist I thought your poetry was okay. I don’t want to drink and I don’t want to dance I’m wearing sober socks and paranoid pants so call a cab and take your pills and I’ll push your potted plants off your windowsill.
Track Name: I'm Grateful to Frank
I’M GRATEFUL TO FRANK I’m grateful to Frank for opening the sleep store, now I don’t gotta sleep no more, no more naps at a quater to four, never have to go in the bedroom door, I just leave my pajamas in the dresser drawer. I’m grateful to Frank for the delivery, his old apartment is so sketchy, peeking through the blinds like he’s on TV, as soon as you get there you want to leave but Frank only wants to get back to sleep. I’m grateful to Frank for making it to the show, his smiling face in the front row, step up to the bar let the drinks flow, they gotta kick us out when the want to close but Frank’s always good for a ride home, I’m grateful to Frank.
Track Name: The Keynote
THE KEYNOTE You caught me kissing your resume, I think you were brought here by fate. Your skill set and experience makes you an excellent candidate. So let me know if you have any questions, give me a call when you figure out what to so, please inform me of your decisions, it’s important that we follow through. I know you haven’t started yet but I’m counting on you. Let me show you to your new cubicle, you can put your lunch in the fridge. This is your team supervisor, your desk will be right next to his. Don’t mind all these old papers and photographs, I’ll get someone to clean up the mess, the last girl left quite unexpectedly, she just couldn’t handle the stress, but don’t get too worried now we won’t work you to death. The world conference of encapsulation kicked off with a round of applause, I had a dream I was giving the keynote, start with a joke than leave a 3-second pause...I can answer that question you asked me, I’ll write it down if I can borrow your pen, the answer starts when you hear the sirens, and it ends when they bring us all in, the investigation has only begun.
Track Name: Number Thirteen
NUMBER THIRTEEN I’ve just been to see number thirteen, because I really like the way she sings. She does this thing where she screams on key like J. Roslie. It’s like her theme. Number thirteen says I’m her number four and I’m the only one she’ll see anymore. No one else even gets through her door not like before, there were more. Now we’re both full of medication but we’re not sick of each other yet. When I was born I came out blue. I couldn’t breath, my lungs were like glue, but the doctor saved me with a plastic tube, that was my debut, thank you. Now we’re taking it to the nation, yeah we’re bringing the act on tour. I shout it with authority because I’m so proud, she’s taking my name, oh man she’s in for it now. When she was born she came out pink, she opened her eyes and she let out a shriek, the doctor saved her with a smoke and a drink, well do you think there’s a link? Thanks for the congratulations, but we could really use some cash.
Track Name: The Man Who Laughed Out Loud
THE MAN WHO LAUGHED OUT LOUD We were ready when the saucers came, I was gone, as you. Wrapped up tight in sleeping bags we sang ourselves to sleep. Now I’m on a plane with a pen and a brain that’s thinking of you and the nights you went out with the man who laughed out loud in a crowd. Careful now the ground is wet, think of the rain from the rain’s point of view. Despite all my best intentions think of the man I’ve turned into. Now I’m drowning my life is amounting to cardboard and drought and you’re always out with the man who laughed out loud in a crowd. I’m floating away and I’m holding your place, I’m holding a place for you.
Track Name: This Is How We Do It
THIS IS HOW WE DO IT the ghost of Michael Hutchence came into my studio late last night. He said there’s something wrong with your songs, I want to help make it right. I said, "Mike, what’s the problem, man, you know I always write from the heart." He said, "That’s exactly what’s wrong, you’re far too dumb to be singing so smart. You’ve got to go for something right in between. Here, let me show you what I mean." This is how we do it. Floated to Sydney, hopping the pubs where the boys paid their dues, talking about original sins and telling jokes about kangaroos. Sure as I might melt in the sun Michael’s words were heaven sent. I felt like singing those word even though I didn’t know what they meant. So I jumped right up there on the stage, counted it off and I started to play. And I sang this is how we do it.
Track Name: Strange Calm
STRANGE CALM After the storm passed we pulled back onto the highway, headed for the next town which we'd planned to do anyway and we looked and saw piles of debris and ashes in the street, a town brought to its knees -- experienced a strange calm. So we knocked on door after door until our knuckles were sore and wondered if it even existed before this strange calm. A force which no town could withstand turned water into sand and children into men -- a strange calm.
Track Name: Nowhere To Be Seen
NOWHERE TO BE SEEN Nowhere to be seen, no one one can see me I have disappeared I am invisibly nowhere to be seen. If you’re frightened by the bandages I left don’t fret, just throw them in the wash. If you’re wondering about the wet footprints on the floor there’s more, where that came from I’m sure. If you're unsettled by the tracks left on the lawn, they’re gone, just like me, all gone. I’m nowhere to be seen. If you’re frightened by the floating gloves driving the car, don’t worry, they only have have to drive so far. If you’re wondering about the fires on the roof they’re proof, compliments of yours truly, me.